There are moments in life when everything gathers at once — a tangle of questions, doubts, and longings — and the soul feels it cannot carry on as before. For me, that moment came on the day I was meant to be confirmed into the Church of England. Instead of peace, I felt sickness in my stomach. And yet, even in the turmoil, God found a way to speak: through the voice of a soul friend, and through the honking of wild geese overhead.
Why I Entered Discernment
As I neared fifty, I realised I could no longer circle the question that had followed me for most of my life: is God calling me to be a priest? I had no hunger for the title of vicar, no desire for the trappings of the role. What I wanted was clarity: if God was calling, I would answer; if not, I would lay it down.
Confirmation was part of that path. In the Church of England, it is a required step before ordination. So I stepped forward, not to secure a career, but to learn, to grow, and to test the truth of the call.
The Cracks Appear
The deeper I looked, the more uneasy I became. We’ve spoken often about the scandals, the safeguarding failures, the way hierarchy seems to close ranks and protect itself. What I saw was not the wild movement of the Spirit but an institution weighed down with rules and reputation.
Then came the absence. I had been told I would be guided and supported and coached through discernment. Yet not once was I asked how it was going let alone guided. When I finally wrote to say I was stepping back, there was no reply at all. That silence said more than words ever could.
Vows and Integrity
In the Celtic way — and in the years I spent within Druidry before walking deeper into Christ — vows are sacred. You do not make them lightly. They shape the soul.
To stand beneath a hierarchy I do not recognise as bearing the presence of God, and to speak vows into that space, would be false. For me, vows cannot be separated from the ground in which they are planted. And I do not see Christ alive in the structures of this institution.
Where do I see Him? In the glimmer of light on the edge of a tree at dusk. In the cry of a blackbird at dawn. In the flow of music when I play, the stillness when I write, the warmth when I share wisdom or love with another soul. God’s Spirit breathes most freely there, unbound, untamed.
Amy’s Part in the Story
At first, Amy (my step daughter) and I planned to be confirmed together. That promise weighed on me. When I first chose to step away, guilt pulled me back — I didn’t want to break my word to her.
But as the day drew close, it became clear that the only reason I was going through with it was to keep that promise. When I spoke to her, she said simply: “I wouldn’t want you to do something that didn’t feel right.” In that moment, she gave me permission to stay true to how I felt Spirit calling me.
A Soul Friend and a Flock of Geese
I then turned to my soul friend. In the Celtic tradition, the anam cara — soul friend — is the one who listens deeply, who reflects God’s truth back to you when you cannot quite see it yourself.
I told her my struggle, and she sent back a voice message. She lives on a canal boat, and so you sometimes hear the world passing by around her. Just as she said the words, “I think you already know what you have to do,” a flock of geese flew overhead, honking loudly.
In Celtic Christianity, the wild goose is the symbol of the Spirit — not a dove, tame and mild, but a goose, loud, free, unpinned. To hear their cry at that precise moment was like heaven breaking into the ordinary: the Spirit saying, “Yes, you know. You are blessed already. You are free.”
It was a sign so clear, it cut through every doubt.
The Way Forward
So I chose not to be confirmed. Not now. Not ever. Because for me, confirmation within this institution would not be truth.
But my service to God does not end here — it begins afresh. I will serve Him through the writings I offer, through Caim, through music newly re-awakened in me, through the Community of Aidan & Hilda and in whatever new places the Spirit blows me. The call is alive, but it does not need the stamp of an institution to make it real.
A Word to Others Wrestling with the Church
If you are wrestling with the Church, do not mistake it for wrestling with God. To feel conflicted is not failure — it may be the Spirit stirring in you. Christ came to show us that we can walk with God directly, without the weight of religious law pressing down. When the Church mirrors the very powers Christ resisted, then discomfort is not rebellion — it is faithfulness.
So step back if you need to. Seek God where you truly find Him: in the wind, the trees, the laughter of friends, the stillness of prayer, the deep knowing in your heart. The Spirit is nearer than your breath. His blessing meets you each morning. And sometimes, when you most need reminding, the wild geese will cry overhead — honking their fierce, joyful assurance that God’s Spirit is alive and with you still.
Ancient Whispers 
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