You Don’t Know Me, But I Found God

This post is a challenge, from one of my mentors. To write about God, no editing, just raw, sharing of myself and my journey. So, here goes!

God, According to Rob

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There you go. I have trod many paths, worked with shaman, witches, druids, I have studied Taoism, Yogic philosophy, psychology, changework, hypnosis and the above quote is the best I can come up with to tell you what God is.

Seriously though, what a ridiculous idea to think that I, a mere human, made in the image of the divine could really tell you what the undescribable, unknowable, incomprehensible manifester of all realities and existence is. I gave up on that a long time ago. I do not have to prove God, I do not need an answer because no answer will be correct. The moment I say God is…. then I am wrong. You cannot define the undefinable nor can you limit the unlimitless by giving it a human label. I struggle even to know who I am let alone risk giving definition to the one who created me.

I have however had several expereinces of God, moments when I disolved into an awareness of something so vast and so great, that next to its eternal nature I became nothing. These though were my expereinces, and if I try to attempt to explain them to others two things will happen. I will not begin to do justice to the experience. I will open myself up to having my experience classified or described as something that it was not. Again a human definition of something beyond anything a human can even find words for.

Through my journey, I have caught glimpses of truth, of things that make sense, yet they are not the full picture. And, along the way I have reurned again and again to Jesus, to God and The Holy Spirit. The unedfinable, made manifest in a person to me makes all things possible. And, for me, the only word that comes close to what that divine nature is, is Love.

Again, a truly inferior word for what we are talking about, but one none the less that is the best we have. It was when I became aware that through the highs and the lows, and some of those, most of those of my own making. There, in the picture, in the memory, in the moment of it all there was a presence, watching me, holding me, loving me. Allowing the child to stumble. Allowing the child to make the mistakes. Never judging, just waiting, for the moment I would awaken to it’s presence.

I have not had a great conversion moment, maybe that is to come, more a slow refining through life. Until I realised that, the thing I was looking for throughout all my searching had been with me all along. Not just with me, but within me. In that moment, the bible, that I had snubbed many times in the past started to speak differently to me. The scales fell from my eyes and I began to see.

I realised that the frustration that built within me, that sometimes I would drink myself to oblivion to get away from was every cell of my body crying out to live in the awareness of God, to walk The Way with Christ. God had been calling all that I am to be a part of his Kingdom on earth. Jesus is the way and the life. Not through an unquestioning puppy dog following, but through a challenging, transformative journey, through really looking at what he is saying to us. To me, personally, how to live my life, how to know him, and how, and most importantly how to serve him….

Not as dutifull slave, but, willingly, to give my life to the service of Christ, to share my understanding of the message and the teaching that God gives us through the bible, and through Jesus, who, and I find it bizarre that I say this, is still living and working within the world. A powerful story, that still transforms, peace comes when we surrendor to what Carl Rogers called the self actualising tendancy. That is, the divine essence within us, Christ within us. And all the beauty and Joy that he brings.

You do not know me, but I found God, I found God in the place I avoided the most. And I hope, that I get to share some of your journey with you. To walk beside you. I was a seeker, I explored the occult, other religions, and yet still nothing ever changed, all things stayed the same. I no longer drink to escape that deep calling. Where does it lead?

I have recently spoken to the vicar of our local church and he is happy for me to start moving toward discernment and possible ordination. Will that be the outcome, I have a deep sense of yes when I think of it. However, I am no longer trying to do life by myself, trying to be the force that shapes the word. I cannot do this alone, instead God is my waymarker, Jesus is my guide. I have not felt so alive for so long. Is it excitement, is it an adventure. It maybe all of those things, but I know most of all it is God.